


Help Me See Myself Clearer

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, At Least For Jaime, Character Death Fix, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Let my boy live, Past Cersei Lannister/Jaime Lannister, Redemption, Season/Series 08, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 18:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18997807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Jaime reflects on his journey to becoming the man he is. As well as the man he wants to be, for himself and for Brienne. Getting there is going to be it's own journey, but he's prepared to take it.Set to Jaymes Young's "I'll Be Good." Takes place during episodes 1 through 4 of season 8, and branches off from canon at the end of episode 4.





	Help Me See Myself Clearer

**Author's Note:**

> The title, lyrics, and inspiration for this fic comes from [I'll Be Good](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POqEVwROEQs) by Jaymes Young. It's been one of my favorite songs for a while. I heard it recently and it was just screaming Jaime at me. So of course I had to do something with it. It was on repeat almost the whole time I was writing this. If you haven't heard it I definitely recommend listening to it.

_My past has tasted bitter_  
_For years now_  
_So I wield an iron fist_  
_Grace is just weakness_  
_Or so I've been told_  
_I've been cold, I've been merciless_  
_But the blood on my hands scares me to death_  
_Maybe I'm waking up today_

 

Jaime is more than aware of all the horrible things he's done in his life. Most of them he did for Cersei. For what he believed was love.

It should be funny that the crime he's most known for, the one that got him his name and caused people to look at him with disdain, was his most honorable kill.

Sure, he stabbed the Mad King in the back, but he did it to save King's Landing. To save all the innocent lives in the city.

Yet no one knows. Save for one person. She's the only one that knows what he's done and has been able to see past that. To see the man he truly is. The one he's tried so hard to hide behind a mask.

It seemed easier that way. Easier to put up the walls and pretend their opinions didn't matter.

But the more he hid himself away, the more he started to believe their words.

They, along with Cersei, began to transform him.

It wasn't until Brienne that he really started to question his reasons. To think of someone other than himself and Cersei.

It had cost him his hand, but he gained a lot more.

He knows Cersei never saw it that way. She took one look at his stump and had to look away. Jaime didn't miss the disgust there. It's why she tried to hide it with a golden hand.

A hand that he hates. It's another lie. Another thing used to hide himself.

It’s different when Brienne sees his stump. There’s no disgust there. No pity. Just an openness and understanding, along with another emotion he’s always been afraid to acknowledge in both of them.

He's been trying hard to be a better man. To be honorable. To be the man that Brienne believes him to be.

Coming north had been an easy decision in the end. Seeing the reality of what was coming for them had shocked and terrified him. But he still knew they had to fight it.

And seeing the way Cersei had so easily turned away from it, and turned against him had been enough to push him forward.

He was never one to cower away from a fight. He wasn't going to let the fight with the dead be any different.

Brienne's words had stuck with him as he walked away from Cersei. Even then it was as much walking towards something as it was walking away.

He'd had a flash of Brienne fighting off those creatures. Of Winterfell falling. And he knew he couldn't let them face it alone.

He'd known that he wasn't going to just be able to walk into Winterfell. Not alone as he was. He'd spent the ride wondering how he might explain himself.

Most of the scenarios wound up with him as dragon food.

Still, in all times he imagined he didn't see Brienne standing up for him like she did. He's known that she sees honour in him. But to hear her defending him made him feel things he was still too afraid to acknowledge.

It becomes clearer when they’re sitting together by the fire. When he sees the way Tormund Giantsbane looks at her. He knows Brienne has to see it. She’s not a fool. The only satisfaction he gets is that she doesn’t appear to be interested.

Knighting Brienne just makes sense to him. He knows she deserves it more than anyone else he knows. She’s one of the noblest and bravest people he's ever met. She’ll hold true to her vow far easier than a lot of knights can. Something she’s been doing without even being a knight.

When he sees the look in her eyes as he knights her everything else falls away. It’s just her and him. He feels a pull towards her, one he’s been trying to ignore. It’s stronger now. He thinks it would be all too easy to give in. To just take another few steps and pull her closer.

He’s brought out of his thoughts by Tyrion and the others clapping. He nods his head and turns away, not before catching the blinding smile she gives. He feels himself smile as he walks back over to join Tyrion.

They could die tomorrow but at least he was able to do this one good thing for Brienne. And he knows he’s going to fight like hell against the dead to make sure she survives.

By some miracle she does, and so does he. And Podrick and Tyrion. And the remaining Starks. Others don’t make it. So many that it’s hard to count.

It was almost them. They came close so many times but somehow made it out alive. Jaime knows he probably would have died if not for Brienne, and it scares him to think of the times he had to save her from the clawing hands of the dead. But they’d survived.

It’s a perfect reason to celebrate.

The wine and ale are in no short supply tonight. Even Brienne is happily partaking, something Jaime is pleased to see. It’s rare that she lets her guard down like this. She’s smiling and laughing and her face is flushed from wine.

 _She looks beautiful,_ Jaime thinks.

For once he doesn’t push the thought away. He lets himself live in the moment. He didn’t face certain death just to crawl back inside himself. Not yet anyway.

Right now all he wants is to keep Brienne laughing.

Of course Tyrion has to open his mouth and ruin that. She shuts down so fast it’s almost like she was never smiling at all. It makes something twist in Jaime’s gut and all he wants to do is fix it.

Then Tormund Giantsbane appears. Jaime doesn’t miss how uncomfortable Brienne looks at his poor attempt at flirting. He’s on his feet and blocking Tormund’s attempt to follow her before he can even think about it.

But once he’s standing he knows what he has to do. He pats Tormund’s chest and turns to follow Brienne from the room. He knows she’s noticed him following, but it still takes him longer than is probably reasonable for him to get the courage to knock on her door.

All he wants to do is apologize for Tyrion. To make sure she’s okay. What happens instead is him most likely making a bumbling fool out of himself. And yet Brienne doesn’t kick him out.

While it was never how he planned to act on his feelings for her he has a moment to thank the wine for taking down the last of the barriers he’s been keeping up. Then he’s consumed by her. Her touch. Her kisses. The sounds she makes as she comes undone.

Jaime feels like he’s being torn apart and pieced back together. Forming the man he always had it in him to be.

He’s still afraid to say the words. To say out loud exactly what this means between them. But he tries to show her in all his actions. With each kiss and caress. By staying by her side and allowing himself to feel some semblance of happiness instead of running away.

For a while it’s easy. He busies himself helping out with the repairs around Winterfell. Or as best as he can with one hand. Other times he spends sparring with Brienne, Podrick, or any Northerners that feel up for it. At first it’s clear that they don’t trust him. They watch from the side as he spars with Brienne and Pod. All it takes is one man coming forward, willing to train with Jaime, for others to come around.

He can see the pride on Brienne’s face, and it’s another sign for him that he’s doing the right thing being here. At least for the moment.

Word comes about Cersei having Daenerys’ handmaiden and another of the dragons being killed. He knows Sansa is watching Jaime for some reaction before she turns away. Brienne as well. Jaime feels a pit forming in his stomach.

He knows Daenerys is going to retaliate. There’s no way she’ll stand back after Cersei’s attack. He also knows his sister. Daenerys attacking the city would be exactly what she wants. Cersei has never had much regard for the people of King’s Landing. She’s always hated them.

Unlike Jaime who stabbed him own king in the back to stop the city from burning. Cersei has always been willing to stand by and watch it destroyed for her own gain. And Jaime… for years he’s been just as bad. He knows he’s partially responsible for Cersei being as bad as she is now. He was willing to stand by and let her inflict the pain she has because he told himself he loved her. And maybe he did. But he knows now it was never healthy or real.

Worry starts to set in. Not about what’s happened with Brienne. He could never regret being with Brienne. She’s one of the few good things in his life in a sea of horrible deeds.

No, his worry is more about himself. He knows the man he is. The things he’s done. Brienne, she’s good. She doesn’t deserve to have that darkness touch her. Jaime is afraid that no matter how hard he tries he’ll never be able to fight free of it.

Then he looks at her. He watches as her chest rises and falls as she sleeps. He takes in how peaceful she looks.

Surely there has to be good in him if someone like Brienne can trust him. Can love him.

She’s always seen the best parts of him. Always made him want to be better. He doubts the man he was when they first met ever would have been able to leave Cersei’s side and come to Winterfell.

He certainty never would have thought about going to bed with Brienne of Tarth. He never would have loved her.

He’s not that man anymore. He knows it. Brienne knows it. Deep down he thinks Cersei knows it. Why else would she have sent Bronn to kill him? She knows she’s lost him.

Thinking of Cersei makes his stomach churn. If she sent Bronn to kill Jaime simply for leaving her, what would she do to him if she found out about Brienne? What would she do to Brienne? And if Cersei dies what would Daenerys do? There’s no reason to think that she’ll let Jaime live after what Cersei has done. No matter how much he’s tried to show he’s changed. And if she were to think for one second that Brienne was anything other than honorable…

Jaime runs a hand down his face. He knows he should just go back to sleep. He should crawl into bed with Brienne and forget everything else.

But he can’t. Thinking of Cersei or anyone hurting Brienne has fear gripping at his heart.

How can Jaime be good and honorable while putting her life at risk?

He sighs and gets to his feet and struggles to quietly get his boots on. He doesn’t succeed of course. He winds up stumbling into the pile of wood next to the hearth. Jaime stills, holding his breath.

“Jaime?”

He closes his eyes. He can only imagine what he looks like right now. A coward about to run off on the woman he loves in the middle of the night without as much as a goodbye.

“You should go back to sleep Brienne,” he says, surprised when he manages to keep his voice even.

“I won’t,” Brienne says. Jaime hears movement behind him but can’t bring himself to turn around. At least not until he feels her hand on his harm. “Jaime. Look at me. Please.”

Jaime takes a deep breath and turns to face her. She doesn’t look angry or upset. Not that he could blame her if she did.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

He doesn’t look away as much as he wants to. He owes her better than that. “I have to.”

She scoffs at that, “You don’t have to do anything, Jaime. If you’re going to King’s Landing to die with your sister at least give me the dignity of telling me to my face.”

Jaime is surprised at that, “You think I’m going back to Cersei?”

She crosses her arms as she regards him, “Aren’t you?”

It would be easy to tell her he was. To throw all the horrible things he’s done in her face. To make her hate him. But he can’t. After everything she deserves better than that.

“I’m not going back to her, Brienne. I’m…”

He stops, unsure how to explain what his intentions are when he’s still grappling with them.

“You’re what?”

“I can’t let her hurt you,” Jaime tells her. “I’m not a good man, Brienne. I’ve done horrible things. And Cersei has been at the root of it all. I can’t let that touch you. And believe me, if she wins this, she won’t stop until she’s taken out anyone that has taken something from her.”

“What have I taken from her?” Brienne asks him quietly.

Jaime knows she has to know the answer to that. But if he’s planning to walk out of here he at least owes her the complete truth. He brings his hand up to her cheek, stroking his thumb across the skin there.

“Me, Brienne. You have me. My heart, body, and soul. Every part of me.”

Brienne kisses him. It’s soft and tender and Jaime swears he feels it down to his bones. He wants to stay here, wrapped up in her and forget everything else.

“Stay,” whispers against his lips. “Please Jaime. Just stay.”

He rests his head against hers, feeling tears stinging at his eyes. “Brienne.”

“You’re a good man,” Brienne tells him. “You are. You deserve more than to go on some suicidal mission.”

“You don’t know that’s what it is,” Jaime says.

“It is,” Brienne argues. “There is no way Daenerys is going to let what’s happened pass without retaliation. And I know you want to have faith in your brother to stop it. But I don’t think even he can. Jaime if you go there, you will die.”

Jaime closes his eyes. He knows she’s probably right. If he doesn’t die in the city he’ll die if Daenerys Targaryen ever found out he went back there, no matter the reason.

“The city…”

“I know,” Brienne says. “I know what you did to save the city. To stop it from falling. But Jaime, you’re one man. Even if you got to King’s Landing you wouldn’t be able to stop Daenerys from raining fire down on it if that’s what she decides to do.”

Jaime’s thoughts drift to Cersei. Of her afraid and alone as the city turns to ash around her. Hadn’t he just been thinking about stopping her himself? What difference does it make if it was him or someone else that did the deed?

 _You’d have more mercy,_ he thinks.

Can he really be a good man if he lets his sister die like that?

He feels Brienne squeeze his neck gently and has to fight back tears. He can’t remember the last time he felt this conflicted. He knows if he left it wouldn’t be because he still loves Cersei. At least not in the way he used to. It would be because she’s his twin. The person he came into this world with.

For the longest time he thought she knew him better than anyone. Now he realizes that’s not the case. Not anymore. If it ever was. She always saw the parts of him she wanted to, and did her best to bring them out, ignoring the rest. Ignoring the good in him.

But Brienne….

He opens his eyes to find her watching him. There’s so much compassion in her eyes. So much love.

That’s what it is. That terrifying feeling he’d never let himself acknowledge before tonight. But it was always there. It’s what brought him here to Winterfell.

He wants to be a good man. A better man. Maybe to her that means staying here.

But Jaime knows that he can’t.

“I know you want me to stay,” he says, his voice hoarse with emotion. “But I can’t. I want to be a good man, Brienne. The man I want to be can’t just stand by and accept that a city I sacrificed my honor for is doomed to burn.”

Brienne studies his face for a moment, before she nods. A familiar determination settles over her features. “You won’t be going alone.”

“Brienne…”

“Stop it,” Brienne says. “If you’re insistent on doing this, I’m going with you. At least this way if you’re caught no one will call for your head.”

“I would be in love with a stubborn woman,” Jaime mutters. He shakes his head, his lips twitching up into a fond smile. “Fine. We’ll go together. But we’ll need a plan.”

Brienne smiles and kisses him softly, “I love you too, you great fool.”

“Apparently enough to follow me towards what could be our deaths.”

Jaime tries for teasing, but he’s not sure he reaches it. Brienne gives him a wry smile all the same. “As if we both haven’t done that before.”

Jaime rests his head against hers, “When this is all over I think we should both just go off somewhere.”

“Where exactly?”

Jaime shrugs, “I don’t know. I hear Tarth is nice.”

“I would like you to see it,” Brienne says.

“Something to look forward to,” Jaime says.

“If that’s the incentive you need to stay alive,” Brienne says.

“It’s more than Tarth, Brienne.”

“I’m aware,” she tells him. “I’ll appreciate anything that keeps you alive, Jaime.”

He allows himself a moment to breathe her in. To just exist here with her, and then he’s pulling back.

“Do we have to leave right now?” she asks him. “We could both use some rest, and I need to speak with Lady Sansa before leaving.”

Jaime nods and allows himself to be pulled back towards the bed. He sits down on the edge of it while she kneels to remove his boots. She looks up at him when she’s done. He’s once again struck by how beautiful she is. Maybe not the conventional sort of beautiful. But beautiful all the same. Truer than any woman he’s ever known. She’s real. She’s not hiding anything hideous or deceitful behind her looks. He’s always known who she is. And gods does he love her for it.

“What is it?” she asks him.

He pulls her up until he’s lying back on the bed with her hovering over him. He brings his hand up to her cheek and smiles. “I’m glad I met you Brienne of Tarth.”

“Now I know you must be tired.”

“I’m being serious,” he tells her. “I don’t know who I’d be without you.”

“You’d be you,” she says.

“But not this Jaime,” he replies. “Not the man I want to be. You chipped away at my walls and helped me to get here. You saw good in me when no one else did, Brienne. You make me want to be that man.”

“You already are,” she tells him. “You’re a good man, Jaime.”

Jaime believes her. He might not be completely where he needs to be, but he’s on the road there. He’ll be good. For her, and for himself. It’s who he needs to be.

 _I'll be good, I'll be good_  
_And I'll love the world, like I should_  
_I'll be good, I'll be good_  
_For all of the times_  
_That I never could_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you think 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Update 10/4/29: I originally marked this as multi-chapter but the inspiration left me somewhere and it's been struggle getting it back. After thinking it over I decided it was better to leave it as is rather than open when there would be little chance of an update. Sorry to anyone that may have been expecting more 💜


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